Brandi Renee Rothenbusch

12/18/95-1/30/96

This is Brandi. This was the first picture she ever had taken. Unfortuantely we don't really have very many pictures of her. That's mainly because when she was 44 days old she was killed by Erik Chriswell in Monticello, Kentucky.

It was terrible. We had taken her out to show her off to some friends that hadn't been over yet, it's a new parent thing. Our friends, of course, said she was beautiful & all the stuff that you always tell new parents. We were on our way back home, happy as could be, minding our own business. I can't give a total account here, only what I remember, which isnt really all that much.

We were maybe 10-15 miles from home on a road that was mostly straight but had some pretty sharp curves if you didn't slow down to about 35mph, Rock & I were talking, Brandi was in her car seat sleeping, there were no other cars on the road. I turned & reached behind his seat to get my purse. I turned back around, on the way I gave Rock a kiss on the cheek. He didn't look at me, but got a really big smile on his face & said "I love you." I told him I loved him too as I turned around enough to be able to see out the windshield.

We were just getting to the only curve on the road where you can't see what's coming, all I could see was...well at the time I would have sworn that it was a Mac truck it looked like it was almost on top of us. I remember the only thing I had time to think was "Oh my God, they're going to hit us". I didn't have time to make a sound.

The next thing I remember was waking up in the ambulance. I say waking up but that isn't really what happened. I guess, technically, I momentarily regained consiousness...barely! LOL. They gave me more drugs & I was out again. I guess I asked them where I was because the one guy told me I was in an ambulance on the way to Wayne County Hospital. Then I was gone again. I woke up like that at the hospital too. Then they transfered us to Lexington, I remember hearing them say they were going to do that & that they were going to take Rock & I in the same ambulance.

I woke up during that ride a few times too. I remember I could hear Rock. I could hear him moaning with pain...I could feel his pain, I just wanted to touch his hand...or some part of him, just lay my hand on him so he would know that I was there with him. I reached my hand out towards him, but they wouldn't let me touch him, they put my hand back up twice before they knocked me out again.

I really, really wish they would have let me touch him. I just wanted him to know that I loved him. He could feel it when I touched him. But the paramedics didn't know that I'd never get to touch him again. Or maybe they did, we were both pretty messed up.

I woke up again in Lexington, Ky. at U.K.M.C., I was in an operating room, I think, anyway the Doctor was messing with my left knee. "What are you doing?" I asked him. He said "I'm putting your knee in traction." (I think he was smiling.) "That's gonna hurt." I answered. He told me it would just feel like pressure on my knee, I watched for a minute to make sure he was telling me the truth. Then they knocked me out again.

The next thing that I remember is Bonnie (she's Rock's Mom) telling me that Brandi was listed as brain dead on impact but they had kept her on life support for the last 24 hours. She had gotten aproval from all of the doctors for me to be taken to her room so I could hold her. They put me on a gurney, & pushed me to my daughter's room.

I was laying flat, or maybe almost flat, my left arm was in a sling, I couldn't sit up at all. Brandi was in one of the bassinet things they keep newborns in, she had wires all over her. Bonnie put her in my right arm, I could only lean down far enough that my jaw was touching the top of her head. I remember the tears running down my face, on to her head. I wanted to dry them off, but I couldn't.

What seemed like seconds later, the doctor looked at me & said "Are you ready?" I wanted to run from the room with my baby. I wanted to say no. I wanted to scream, "How could this be happening to me again? Why did I have to lose another child? Wasn't one enough?" Of course I didn't say any of that. I looked at him & heard myself say the word "yes".

I have never had such a hard time saying that word. Three little letters that I say everyday of my life. I had to say yes though, they were going to do it anyway. They would have done it without me if it hadn't been for Bonnie.

They turned the machine off, or pulled the plug, or however they do it. I just layed there holding my daughter, as her life left her. I held her until I thought I could feel her body temperature lowering & asked Bonnie to take her.

I looked at Bonnie then, she was crying, there was such anguish on her face. I was too drugged & hurt to deal with my own feelings. She looked like she just wanted to burst but couldn't, because she had to be strong for us. We both needed to let go, but couldn't. So, I asked her to cry for me too. She needed to know that I was ok enough that she could show her pain, & I needed her to show mine because I couldn't.

After that I don't really remember much. I had to sign temporary custody of Sean & Brittany over to my sister. Then I remember Bonnie telling me we had to go see Rock right now or it would be too late. They were wheeling me down the hall again, this time to see my husband die. He was in a bed that moved, I couldn't really see his face, but Bonnie says I wouldn't have known it was him anyway. Finally I got to hold his hand! Bonnie put my hand in his, & told me to tell him I loved him or I would never get the chance again. I held his hand & told him I loved him. Then they turned off his machine too.

I was unable to attend, or even help plan either of thier funerals. I wasn't even aware that Brandi's was going on, & I was having the ball in my shoulder replaced during Rock's. I feel incredibly quilty that I couldn't be at either funeral. They buried our 44 day old daughter without either of her parents there. Most of my side of the family had never even seen her until her funeral.

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This is all for now. There will be much more to come in the future. Thanx for listening.

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